Heather Mallick: Donald Trump will not shut up
After watching U.S. President Trump give a press conference in Singapore on the greatest meeting of all time in the history of the world, and also he really hates Canadians, I am reminded of the time he showed up at my house on a sales call. The guy would not shut up.
“You need a Boil It First washer-dryer, you need a Mr. Slim air conditioner. Nuclear-powered, I have overstock. It’s hot out there, it’s sweaty, the GERMS, am I right? People tell me that. Nearly 70 years ago, think of that, 70 years ago, people did not have them, they were not part of the equation. They had the women, with the washboards, but Melania says not in Slovenia and not in the sweet You. Ess. Of. A. She says no a lot, especially lately. She finds me very ‘oh Donald,’ she says my sperm is old. No, GOLD. She spits on her hand and grabs me by the long blond side hair which is my own hair by the way and she shakes me. She’s doing GREAT, thank you for asking, she’s waiting in the car, she’s looking at us right there. You can’t see her? I don’t know why.
I have to be honest. The BEST washer-dryers are made right here in North Korea by Mr. Kim-Jong Un, he’s a good friend of mine! A very special person, President Moon of South Korea, he is also very talented, makes Samsung’s Explodable line of household appliances. They are very famous for BURSTING INTO FLAMES which is not something you want in a Washing Machine. You want that in a half-brother and normally he would provide me with that. I have anti-aircraft missiles for people who annoy me. Believe me, they blow up FANTASITICALLY GOOD. Little wet red fireworks! They are very special! OVERKILL IS IT? He wouldn’t visit so I met him at the airport. Sad! I have some spare VX nerve agent and it would totally wash out in this model, I call it the Warmbier.
The Warmbier is the only thing North Korea makes besides the nuclear tubes. That and finger splints. I have been awake for 25 hours. Mueller. The splint industry is coming back. Americans do not need an Obama single-payer system, they need total knuckle immobilization with Soft Foam Interior Loop Straps and Protective Ventilation Holes! Kenya. Born there. Verified.
The Warmbier has the large-capacity stainless steel drum, it has hi-temp steam cycles, and on Twitter which I am ON, losers & haters! it comes with a Cassette and iPad, it will phone you at home and tell you what you are doing wrong. It is the only thing Mr. Un (“Kim” Jong) makes outside of nuclear lawn mowers, outboard motors, BAByLis big-barrel hair dryers. What? Wear rubber gloves when you use the Warmbier. Now that you mention it.
I cannot tell you how great the Warmbier is. Mueller. My friend Mr. Kim gave up so much nuclear. Maybe a Warm Bier-Fil-A Franchise for me as long as I Sell! Hard! In the ’90s they had a Famine and people ate them, that’s how much they loved their Warmbiers It has a four-compartment dispenser drawer for your pre-wash, your bleach. I loved the Eighties. So did Larry Kudlow, but the cocaine thing, it affected his brain and sometimes he has to sluice it out, it is not pretty.
You have Mr. Justin Trudeau. I know Justin. I have heard his hair. Ivanka says. I think Justin did not know that Air Force One has about 20 televisions, and I SEE the TV. Canada does not have TV yet, or it has four channels, it is to laugh. He says he will not be pushed around! I talked to Mr. “Kim” about this. He offered some incredible advice. Nice little Country you have there, Justin. Be a shame if anything WEAPONS-GRADE happened to it. Thank you.
Gulags, you say. North Korea is very rough around the edges and inside as well but so are a lot of places, I had an uncle who was a great professor for 40 years at MIT. I used to discuss Nuke with him. Mueller. Mueller Mueller Mueller. Don Jr. They were good times, the Eighties. It was the best sex ANYONE ever had. I hate myself. Big Boy. Babadook. Fruity Pops. Mueller.”
Heather Mallick is a columnist based in Toronto covering current affairs. Follow her on Twitter: @HeatherMallick