Where would you sit at the Bieber-Baldwin wedding?
Since Justin Bieber proposed to model Hailey Baldwin we’ve been faced with many questions. Who will design the dress? Will Bieber be enticed to wed in his hometown of Stratford, Ont., by mayor Dan Mathieson formally changing the town slogan to “Shakespeare who?” Why doesn’t Justin follow Hailey on IG? What does it mean that Selena Gomez’s first appearance after the news dropped was on a boat named Justine?
Perhaps there is no greater question than what a wedding planned by two impulsive young, preposterously rich celebrities will look like. Considering Justin’s dad Jeremy had no less than a Bengal tiger at his Toronto engagement party, we advise every endangered species to save the date.
We are, of course, RSVP-ing yes, and will have the chicken. We just can’t decide where to sit. Before agreeing to go to this wedding, please familiarize yourself with these probable table settings and select the one that you are most likely to be able to deal with.
Guests: Kendall Jenner, Gigi and Bella Hadid, Joan Smalls, Karlie Kloss, and Emily Ratajkowski
Who dat? Hailey isn’t just a pretty face — she’s a pretty face for hire, modelling for brands such as Tommy Hilfiger, Moschino, and Dolce & Gabbana. So of course she has to invite the girls from work: that would be every top supermodel of her generation.
Sit here because … The answer to the question “Are you going to finish that?” is “no.”
Don’t sit here because … Who wouldn’t feel a little underdressed surrounded by statuesque beauties who wear clothes for a living?
Guests: Jeremy Bieber, Pattie Mallette, Carly Rae Jepsen, Drake
Who dat? Justin’s separated parents Jeremy and Pattie can share their memories of terrible Canadian television with a Canadian Idolrunner-up and proud Degrassi alum.
Sit here because … This is the table where you can wear camo cargo shorts without judgement.
Don’t sit here because … Staring Carly Rae Jepsen in the face for an evening is an excellent way to get “Call Me Maybe” stuck in your head for the next three to five years.
Guests: The Baldwin Brothers (Alec, Daniel, William, and Hailey’s dad Stephen), The Baldwin Sisters (Beth and Jane), Chynna Phillips, Ireland Baldwin
Who dat? The Baldwin family dynasty includes Alec’s model-daughter Ireland, Billy Baldwin’s wife Chynna Phillips of Wilson Phillips, and the not-often-discussed Baldwin sisters, Beth and Jane, who do not share the family’s legacy of thick full chest hair.
Sit here because … Alec talking in his Boss Baby voice, Alec talking in his Jack Donaghy voice, Alec talking in his Donald Trump voice, Alec talking in his regular voice.
Don’t sit here because … Stephen talking in his The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas Barney Rubble voice.
The Entire Congregation of Hillsong
Guests: Carl Lentz, Nick Jonas, Hailee Steinfeld
Who dat? Bieber and Baldwin both attend the celeb-favoured Pentecostal church, led by the hipster pastor with no body fat but lots of defined upper pelvic muscles, Carl Lentz.
Sit here because … By the end of the evening you will finally remember who Hailee Steinfeld is.
Don’t sit here because … This is the table where you learn that the lyrics to every Maroon 5 song are about God.
The Estranged Bad Influences
Guests: Lil Twist, Lil Za, Sahara Ray
Who dat? Bieber’s team of scapegoats and scoundrels have been by his side during his most eyebrow-raising scandals, from those poolside nudes with Ray to that DUI Twist took the fall for.
Sit here because … By the end of the night, you too will be named Lil something.
Don’t sit here because … Your washroom is a mop bucket.
Guests: Sofia Richie, Nicola Peltz, a vacant chair topped with a flower crown and a sign reading “Ms. Gomez sends her regrets”
Who dat? The most enduring of Justin’s brief flings, such as Sofia “daughter of Lionel” Richie and Nicola “in a Transformers but not Megan Fox” Peltz, can’t hold a candle to Justin’s one true love (before now) Selena.
Sit here because … Hot. Gossip.
Don’t sit here because … Servers don’t come to this table.