Boyfriend sexually absent from relationship: Ellie
Help! I think I might be dating an asexual.
I met a man via online dating and we’ve been seeing each other exclusively (long distance) for the past 10 months.
We visit once a month for a few days.
He shows no interest in any affection outside of the bedroom.
He resists holding hands, I only get a quick “peck” kiss when I initiate, and he doesn’t hug (unless I hug him, then he quickly disengages.).
I have to initiate all sex. Our sex is “meh,” I have to lead 100 per cent and his facial expression indicates that he’s totally not into it (to the point of dread) and only doing it to make me happy.
Half of the time, he turns me down.
If I don’t initiate physical contact at all, we can go an entire visit with none.
I tested it . . . we went for five days once with no physical contact at all, even though I was prancing around in sexy lingerie.
I don’t think he’s gay; I often see him checking out other women.
I’ve brought this up several times very delicately and each time he has a very strong, negative/defensive reaction.
No explanation other than he’s “tired” from work, but it’s like this even when on vacation together.
He refuses to talk about it, only saying “it’s all in your head” and that I’m “needy.”
I care about him deeply, but my love language is affection/physical touch and I feel like I’m starving.
You didn’t say whether you love him.
“Caring deeply” may mean that he’s otherwise interesting as a person and good company, but you didn’t say that either.
It seems that, since you became an “exclusive” couple, you feel committed to finding out what’s “wrong” with him.
Maybe nothing. This is who he is. This is what you get.
If he’s only responding half the time, with a look of “dread,” your sex life together can only get worse.
There are different descriptions and levels of asexuality, but with this man, no matter how he defines himself, there’s a lack of arousal, desire, interest or enjoyment for the intimacy, touch and passion that you want.
Why knock your head against this wall?
Tell him what you need in order to stay together. If he avoids the conversation, or still blames you as being “needy,” stay away for a couple of months.
If there is no improvement and no willingness to discuss the sexual divide, end the relationship.
Recently, I parted ways with my pessimistic, negative and controlling mother.
I said she could still see her grandkids whenever she likes.
My kids are OK with this arrangement, though I’m not sure they understand it.
I’ll speak to her if something important arises.
My relatives are now cutting me and my immediate family out of gatherings because my mother’s invited.
I don’t want to lose touch with them, but also don’t want to be judged for my long-needed decision.
Should I reach out or cut my losses?
For every action, there’s a reaction and consequences.
Your relatives feel uncomfortable. They think that inviting you and your family when your mother’s present condones your action, of which they disapprove.
On your children’s behalf, say that they’re still in your mother’s life and should be invited. The relatives may feel that you can’t have it both ways.
That’s a lot of losses.
Consider the example to your children, and whether distancing needs to be so extreme.
TIP OF THE DAY
Partnership between someone asexual and someone highly sexual is a setup for mutual frustration and resentment.
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