Tabloids: Skip to the end for Duchess Meghan, you hopeless junkies
LIFE & STYLE
Cover: The split of Amal and George Clooney (we never even decided whether to call them Geoal, Amorge, or Cloolamuddin) comes because she doesn’t like the movie business or, er, George as he actually is. She might be after half of his billion dollars, and if that means he as a producer can no longer fund the likes of Suburbicon, Money Monster, Our Brand Is Crisis and The Monuments Men, moviegoers will owe her a debt, too.
Tom Cruise control: On the one hand, agents of Scientology are said to be monitoring Katie Holmes’ every move. On the other, she’s lucky to have an audience of any kind.
Cover: Nicole Kidman and Julia Roberts’ respective marriages have been tabloid fodder for years, but now the ladies, at age 51 and 50, get to displace Poor Jennifer Aniston™ as shocking-news-from-arid-nethers pregnancy cover girls. Exciting to think of the sort of future scandals (drunken jetpacking, sex-bot hologram tape) that these young kids will get into, long after their mothers are dead.
Crappy nappy: His Instagram followers gave Jason Biggs grief for posting a picture of his son sporting a full diaper. Incredibly, Biggs has found an audience of people even more underemployed than him.
Cover: Oh, OK, you obsessives, here’s your Duchess of Sussex cover. Sorry, but it’s mostly about her family, who are sad to be estranged from her despite calling her “Princess Pushy” and “jaded, shallow (and) conceited.” Half-sister Sam gave a mysterious letter to a palace guard; I bet a phrase like “even one little jewel would really help me out” shows up. Also, Meghan made a secret visit to Toronto. So it really was her you saw at Sneaky Dee’s at 1 a.m.
Lean without greens: Kelly Clarkson has lost 30 pounds with a system that lets her eat fried chicken and cake but is wary of ... plants. If this works, it’s the biggest story of the week. Yes, bigger than Biggs.