Tabloids: Pregnant Duchess of Cambridge building small army of heirs
Cover: Kate has the exalted title of Duchess of Cambridge but if you believe In Touch, she has Duggar-like fertility and is carrying young royal No. 4. Forget “an heir and a spare,” and forget protectiveness — half the kids can take up BASE jumping or the Tide Pod Challenge now.
Ad nauseam: In Touch’s most ridiculous ad this week sells welcome signs made from Thomas Kinkade paintings, but with the artist’s oversight fixed by adding the obvious missing element, Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I’m holding out for Hieronymous Bosch.
The skivvy skinny: A spread of the “hottest underwear hunks” samples photos of David Beckham, Rafael Nadal and many other images you’ve already stored in that folder marked “Misc.” on your desktop.
Cover: There are no announcements or even named sources for the mega-marriage cover, so: Taylor Swift and Sandra Bullock and J.Lo are getting wed respectively in a castle, Jackson Hole and Mexico, or in North Korea, the Marianas Trench and Mars, if you prefer your fantasies to the magazine’s.
Ad nauseam: You can get a five-inch replica of a 1937 Ford pickup truck with tiny images of Elvis on them for only $50 U.S. Wait, for shipment? Someone just put me into a coma until it arrives.
Cover: Lady Gaga told friends she’s pregnant but she insists that she and Bradley Cooper are just friends, so who’s the culprit? Her ex? A groupie? Someone’s poor job of cleaning off that piano bench before her Oscars performance?
Ad nauseam: a show I had no idea existed, lets us know it’s back for Season 3, continuing the glamorous adventures of Honey Boo Boo’s mom (as you demanded!). The ad also kinda sexualizes ol’ H.B.B. herself which I guess is fine now that she’s, uh, 13. Maybe this show just doesn’t air outside of Mississippi.