Tabloids: Meghan Markle's monarchy misery
Cover: It was a holiday weekend in the States last week and the magazines came early (Like Christmas in July!), so there are some very safe cover stories, like this one speculating Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx are splitting. Bored nail salon customers everywhere look up from their pedicures to wonder: “Were they together?”
Mystery man: Angelina Jolie’s got a new man, but she’s only referring to him by one initial. OK isn’t sure what that initial is. Possibly Y. As in, Y is this a story. Look, these summer tabloids aren’t going to fill themselves, people!
Wrinkle in time: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have been married 12 years. TWELVE! That’s a millennia in Hollywood! They reveal that they “keep it steamy” by going to the spa together. You know what they say: The couple that injects dangerous botulism into their faces together stays together.
Cover: Meghan’s only been a royal for a month and a bit and she’s already miserable as a royal. Apparently, she’s feuding with the Queen AND Kate, and nobody likes her except Harry. All this according to a palace spy who is either entirely made up, or an actual snake, judging by how Star says the insider “hisses” the secrets.
A feud is born: Speaking of feuds... Jake Gyllenhaal and Bradley Cooper are in a fight over who’s biopic of West Side Story composer Leonard Bernstein is better. Epic sharks vs. jets rumble notwithstanding, honey, I’m sure they’ll BOTH be fabulous.
Cover: Against everyone’s better judgment, Khloe Kardashian is going to marry her philandering basketball star baby daddy Tristan Thompson. The entire rest of the article is just In Touch speculating about all the ways in which various members of the Kardashian clan could ruin the nuptials. I don’t have room to list them here, but to summarize: Everyone. All the ways.
Fever pitch: A two page spread ranks the hottest World Cup soccer players. I know we shouldn’t body shame anybody, and we certainly shouldn’t objectify them either, but I just want to know: Why only two pages? Why all the shirts?
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