Tabloids: Duchess Meghan's Cinderella story unravels
Life & Style
Cover: George and Amal had a good run (four years) but it’s all over now. And what are the grounds for this alleged uncoupling? Many things, but my favourite bit is when Life & Style claims he doesn’t like her being “chummy” with Cindy Crawford. Yes, one imagines George would prefer to be the one flirting with models. The article doesn’t hesitate to imply that since Amal is an Oxford educated lawyer, she’ll use all her legal tricks to steal his cash. Oh, is The Hague doing divorces now?
Nanny fiiight!: How do you solve a problem like which duchess gets Maria, the favoured royal nanny already employed by Kate and Will? Hopefully by rending garments and throwing tiaras!
Maleficent momager: E! host Andy Cohen had a baby and now two Real Housewives and Carrie Bradshaw are fighting over who will get godmother duties. Nobody tell Kris Jenner she wasn’t invited. We don’t want a curse befalling the kingdom.
Cover: The cover really paints a vivid picture of the duchess in a pile of rags on the steps of Buckingham Palace, weeping as her coach turns into a pumpkin and her prince reverts to a frog while the evil queen lurks nearby, ready to give all her royal duties to the evil stepsister. If only any of this fractured fairytale were true!
Bachelor Ben: “Who Should Ben Date Next?” asks In Touch. Hilariously, the article (if one can call seven photo captions an article) also includes a somewhat unflattering pic of ol’ Ben. Let us propose a new headline: “Who Would Want To Date Ben Affleck At This Point?”
Cover: Jennifer Aniston is now 50 and so must retire her mantle of tabloid cover crone. Yes, the gossip gods demand fresh blood! Thus, a new Jennifer will rise and be sacrificed to the Old Ones. Praise Cthulhu and ready yourself for several decades of headlines screaming about Jennifer Lawrence wedding/offspring/divorce rumours, not necessarily in that order.
Batman Begins Again: Now that human misery machine Ben Affleck has yelled “NOT IT” when it comes to playing the caped crusader, OK! wonders, will John Krasinski replace him? I hope so! Can’t wait for Batman to *look directly into the camera.*
Monkey shines: OK, fine. Justin Bieber admits he’s made some bad decisions. Biebs is apparently talking about relationships, but perhaps somebody could remind him that not long ago, he bought and abandoned a monkey?