Tabloids: Duchess Meghan plays the blame game
Cover: Poor Lady Gaga is torn between two lovers. Sadly, the choice is not Ant-Man or Captain America, but Rocket Raccoon or Hawkeye. Yeesh. That dating pool sure is ... shallow.
Anyway, the tab claims Gaga’s been seeing both Jeremy Renner (Hawkeye) and Bradley Cooper (Rocket). But seeing them for what? A sleepover where they braid hair, eat pizza and talk about boys?
Commit me, baby, one more time: Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into a mental health facility to get help coping with her father’s serious illness. In Touch would like to take the opportunity to gleefully reminds you about every detail of her previous breakdown, as if the world isn’t a dumpster fire and we wouldn’t all love some time away.
Life & Style
Cover: Nothing sells a tabloid like Duchess Meghan’s face and name. Which is why Life & Style has somehow involved her in Will and Kate’s cheating scandal. The tab implies that Meghan thinks Kate “forced” Will to cheat because she was too busy PRODUCING THREE HEIRS (one more than strictly necessary!) to doll herself up and seduce her man.
Isn’t it weird how the person who supposedly had the affair is blameless in all this? I guess nobody would buy it if just Will’s face was on the cover. Speaking of that pale, princely visage, remember when William started to age into his Windsor genes? Well it’s still happening and if any of these rumours are true, he’s definitely proving himself to be his father’s son.
Kanye cleans Khloe’s closet: Kanye wants to give Khloe a makeover, but the Kardashians are worried he’ll be too hard on her. Ah, tough love. Just what every woman who’s been cheated on needs!
Kim, Kourtney, please put some sweatpants on your sister and take her and several pints of ice cream to spa island and just listen to her bash her ex without Kanye telling her she’s fat. No men or basketball players allowed. OK, Scott Disick can come, but only because he’s saucy and amuses me.
Cover: Finally! An intensely researched story detailing the intense highs () and dolorous lows () of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively’s relationship!
No, I’m playing with you. It is flimsy. How flimsy? Well, an unnamed source shares rumours that he cheated with a 20-something, then later claims he has “tried so hard to keep Blake happy.” Yeah! He’s tried everything! Except not cheating on her.