Tabloids, double-duchess edition: Kate subtracts weight, while Meghan multiplies
Cover: The Duchess of Cambridge had a lot of work to do on her body after a difficult third pregnancy, a 20-hour labour which saw her toes pop off, her teeth turn blue and her arms spontaneously grow by eight inches. Not really, but you don’t want to read OK’s actual cover story, which is built around her shocking beauty secret: exercise.
Tuned out: A cover blurb says Gwen Stefani is “quitting music,” but her last tour’s tickets ended up on Groupon, so it’s a bit like saying Scott Baio is “stepping away from stardom.” And she’s actually doing a Las Vegas residency — there will be music, right? It better not be her doing Equus or something.
Cover: Poor Jennifer Aniston thinks estranged hubby Justin Theroux is canoodling with his maniac co-star Emma Stone. Sorry, that’s Maniac co-star Emma Stone. Anyhow: he insisted on Instagram and he and Stone are “JUST bfffffs,” but anyone can see that stands for “best friends for fun, fiendish fornication.”
Pill pal: Roseanne’s boyfriend is refusing to marry her but is sticking around; she’s a rich crazy baby boomer after all, so who could possibly have better drugs?
LIFE & STYLE
Cover: “Those close to Meghan are convinced she’s expecting twins,” so either (a) she told them or (b) those close to the new duchess have an uncanny talent for staring at a woman’s torso and ... just knowing. The implication here is that she got pregnant before the wedding. Wait, that means they were already sleeping together! Ready the halberd, for a Yankee divorcee defiled our prince.
Acting out: Meryl Streep and Nicole Kidman are having an old-fashioned claws-out feud on the set of Big Little Lies. It might be a good show but the campy series that Ryan Murphy III will make about it 50 years from now will be great.