Tabloids: Brad Pitt is Home Alone this Christmas
Cover: What’s this? Brad Pitt is going to be rattling around all alone on Christmas in a big ’ol mansion because his family forgot him? Some people might call that lonely, but I would take it as an opportunity to order a lovely cheese pizza, just for me and use my childlike wiles to defeat two daffy crooks with a bunch of Rube Goldberg-esque machines. Or he can probably just skype in with Maddox and Zahara and Prancer and Vixen and all the rest.
Life & Style
Cover: For the life of me, I cannot figure out why the tabloids are so eager to have the various duchesses give birth to twins. I mean, other than the obvious thrill you get at the possibility of some elaborate scenario. The mag also insinuates that a palace staffer was fired for leaking details of Meghan’s pregnancy. But how could that be when most of these stories come pre-approved with a gold seal of palace approval?
Bride$illa: Kylie is the youngest and richest Kardashian daughter and she’ll spare no expense for her wedding to some guy. Whoever. Travis? Sure. That sounds right. Anyway! She wants to outdo Kim and Khloe and so money is no object. Butterflies! Private jets! A private resort! A private concert! Two wedding gowns! Worn at the same time! In a Bentley being driven on top of a Rolls! Filled with caviar! It will be magical, dammit!
Cover: Michelle Obama’s book apparently detailed her relationship with Melania Trump and it’s perhaps not surprising that they are not pals. But the tab implies that they are at each other’s throats and that don’t sit right with me. I hate it when First Ladies fight. Except Betty Ford and Rosalyn Carter. Their bare-knuckle bouts are legendary.
Hello Dolly: Jennifer Aniston made a movie called and Dolly Parton provided the music and now they’re BFFs and I want into this club so badly! I have never before been jealous of Jennifer Aniston, but I would put up with constant paparazzi stories about how sad I am because I don’t have any babies as long as I got to hang out with Dolly and her boobies.
Mannygate: The Jolie-Pitt brood is looked after by a 20-something manny named Oscar. The mag implies Brad should be worried, but ... are we sure Angie didn’t just adopt another child?